A lot of people I talk to struggle with finding people in their lives who are trustworthy. Many clients have negative experiences when it comes to romantic relationships, friendships, or family members. This can look like boundary violations, exploitation, or even abusive behavior.
Over the course of my career, I have discovered four categories that explain why this pattern of negative interactions keeps recurring, and today, I share those categories with you.
Category One: Nobody is trustworthy.
It’s important to include this category because this is frequently the conclusion that clients have already come to. They’ve been hurt so many times before that they reason that it is safer to avoid social interaction entirely because everyone will want to hurt them. Unfortunately, this goes against people’s inherent desire to have social relationships. It’s lonely to be alone.
The other purpose of including this category is that it is easily disprovable. Are there any people in their life who they currently trust? Do they consider themselves trustworthy? They are talking to a therapist, who they presumably trust enough to seek help from.
One of two things must be true: Either those examples are the only trustworthy people in the whole world, or others out there are trustworthy. Which is more likely?
Category Two: Selection Error
Many years ago, I had a client who was looking for a long-term romantic partner and her primary method of finding partners was to meet men at dance clubs. As you might imagine, she had not been successful in her goal.
Sometimes the reason for people struggling with relationships is related to how they choose partners. A person who picks partners with personalities similar to previous failed relationships; choosing partners with clashing values (particularly those related to gender roles); choosing partners who want different things out of a relationship.
There’s a particularly insidious form of selection error this where a person who has had multiple abusive relationships. As a result, they push off anyone who seems interested in them by building walls around themselves. Two types of potential partners see this building of walls and respond accordingly. Non-abusive partners see the walls and back off to respect the boundaries; abusive partners see the walls and think, “What a fun challenge for me to break down”, and they keep pushing until they’re let in. Thus leads to a cycle of repeatedly choosing abusive partners.
Category Three: Personal Error
Sometimes, clients pick partners who might otherwise be fine, but the way the client interacts with them leads to negative interactions. This can include things like controlling behavior to deal with their own insecurities, difficulty communicating emotional needs, or choosing to stay with partners even after they have communicated that they are unwilling or unable to meet the client’s needs.
Category Four: Bad Luck
Sometimes a client has concluded that they can’t find a good relationship after one or two attempts. It’s important to consider whether the amount of data they have is sufficient to draw the conclusion they are making, or if it might better be attributed to bad luck. In these situations, the answer can be as simple as “keep trying.”
All these issues can be worked on in therapy by exploring the problem, recognizing ineffective patterns, and doing behavioral experiments with new ways of showing up. With good therapeutic work and time, clients can find relationships that meet their needs and are sustainable for the long term.
