“I keep telling my mom that I don’t like the way that she’s talking to me, but she keeps doing it!”

“My friend keeps talking down to me, and I don’t know how to get her to stop.”

“Every time I play with my son, he gets so violent, and I don’t know how to stop him without yelling at him.”

Typical quotes from clients who have not yet learned how to set and enforce boundaries.

Often, when I bring up the topic of boundary setting, I get the response: “I already know how to set boundaries; it’s just that other people don’t follow them.”

Which means that the client isn’t doing boundaries right. Because boundary-setting is magical, in that, when you do them correctly, they always work.

There are two main steps when it comes to boundaries: setting and enforcing. Without both of these steps, they don’t work, but with them, the magic happens.

First, setting: Specifically and directly communicate the desire to the offending party: “I don’t like when you tell me what to do with my life.”

Second, inform them the consequence of what will happen if they continue the behavior. “Whenever you tell me what to do, I’m going to hang up the phone/walk out of the room. If you refrain from that behavior, then we can continue talking.”

Third and most important (but also most difficult), enforce the consequence. People test boundaries — That’s how they understand which of them are real and which are just talk. When you consistently enforce the boundary, that’s when the magic comes in.

One of two things happen: either the offending party gets the message and starts treating you the way you want to be treated, or you aren’t around for them to continue their unacceptable behavior. Either way, you win.

Sounds simple, huh?

To be fair, it takes work, and clients sometimes struggle to overcome people-pleasing tendencies to make it happen, but in the end, you get to be free of behavior that doesn’t work for you.